All I'm Living For Is Love And Laughs






				"I'm trying to decide how soon is too soon when it comes to exposing your child to rapcore" -Todd (uhhh NEVER!) "And then Elton John sings and it's like 'Toot toot!' A tugboat of memories pulling up to the dock" -Bryan (still don't know what that means) "Modeling is so funny. Do they really think the clothes look better with a certain walk?" -me "Seriously. And it's never real. Who's gonna buy clothes that look like an 80s whore threw up on whislst giving head to a stranger in a back of a volvo? ME, but that about it." -Kate "I'll keep that in mind for christmas" -me "I think hes playing the game but im gonna win it this time. I'ma pass go collect 200 dollars and some FUCKIN ASS" -Kate "You just like a woman in costume. I bet you have a thing for Princess Leia" -me "Oh GOD no! Carrie Fisher? Have you SEEN her? It looks like she's been riding the wrong end of a wookie cock" -Bryan "Thats what he's getting for christmas- a gallon vat of some cheapo cottage cheese" -Jon "That's gonna be gross to get rid of." -me "Fuckin right it is" -Jon "Everyone grab a spoon! " -me "And an immodium" -Jon "Ohmigod! I'm just blown away by that dance off! It's like the gods were skipping across the heavens" -Bryan while I was watching Girls Just Want to Have Fun "I heard his dumb girlfriend is in Poland this week so he's prolly catching up. i hope she gets lost over there" -me "I hear poland is beautiful in 2007. Haha, I was like this time of....well, ok the whole year, just stay." -Janelle "I switched the "in a relationship" to "single" status on my myspace and fuckin as if i were a burrito the spanish have flocked to me" -Kate "They'll probably wait till marriage, realize it sucks, divorce, and get into drugs cause they wasted half their life on each other just to get downs sex" -Kate [after finding out that she didn't know what fyi meant until recently] SUB rb S l a N G : and tmi is too much info SUB rb S l a N G : and info is information SUB rb S l a N G : just incase you've been using them incorrectly all these years BrOadWayBaBy: llol BrOadWayBaBy: fyi im giving u the finger right now "Why don't you just wrap up the door and tell her to open it?" -Lauren, telling me what to get my crappy roommate, if anything, for Christmas "Here, give this to your boyfriend and tell him that's what 2 eyebrows look like!" "Yeah, even in the jungle, he found tweezers!" -Kate, looking at the cover of the Jungle Book "Thats right, he's been hippie weird for awhile cos you said that and i thought, jam bands, right?" -Janelle "I know. it gets weirder all the time. I just picture him wearing tie dyed rags and scavenging in the woods for mushrooms and talking to woodland creatures about woodstock with a sack in hand and bongos on his back" -me "When I have a wife she'll constantly have a black eye. They're so colorful. I like them" -Aaron "He needs to keep those dollars so when your shit goes 'bang bang', he can tip you" -Kyle, thrusting his hips "I hardly got any sleep last night, my sister called me all upset because her son is thinking about suicide. He's only 13!" -Donna "Wow, really? How did she find out?" -me "He was looking at suicide websites on the computer" -Donna "Suicide websites? I didn't know there were suicide websites" -me "It was called 'Suicide Girls" or something like that" -Donna "AHAHAHAHHAH THAT'S PORN!!!!! Tell your sister not to worry, he's just looking at PORN!" -me "But his bed rocked! AND i got to pick cds so i got to have the sex to 'Around the Fur' which is pretty awesome" -Janelle "To become a resident, I'm not supposed to have any ties to my old home or some shit" -Lauren "That sounds more like jail then residency" -me "It is like jail only... i'll leave with a degree... not a sore asshole" -Lauren "Yeah, i'm glad i'm not a duck" -me, after finding out about duck sex "Who knew duck sex was so violent! Sounds like i AM a duck." -anonymous "It's a total gangbang" -me "Yep, i'm a duck." -anonymous "Should I give you his hat back?" -me, taking off the hat I was wearing, belonging to kyle's friend that I wanted to keep "Put it on the door knob" -Kyle "With the penii?" -me, referencing the light up magnet party penis on the knob "It's probably not the first time a penis was in that hat" -Kyle "If there's a fight, I got 50 bucks on the skinny bitch!" -Phillip, looking at Stephen "WHAT?" -Chase, surprised "Oh, I got razorblades in my pussy. I fight dirrrrty " -Stephen, matter of factly "She's the stupidest person i've ever known. Apparently Atlantic City is in Georgia, and when you mix red and yellow together u get..'i dunno... red-yellow.' Oh and purple is a primary color cause you can find it in the crayon box. I'm like 'Jill you can find PERIWINKLE in the fuckin box you jackass" -Kate "How about writing, 'Leave the baggage at home and bring your penis over.' That's straightforward, right?" -me, working on an email with Lauren "HEY LOOK! It's COBY!" -me, making fun of Scott cos people say he looks like Coby "Hang on a sec. I'm having a battle with the ex" -Scott "Good luck! CUT HER LIFE INTO PIECES!!" -me "I am LOLing right now. And I don't mean in the 'i type lol because it's socially acceptable way. i meant it because i'm laughing out loud" -Scott "So i went out to the bar last night with a few friends and i said something like "i saw this show Laguna Beach a few days ago..." Everyone looked at me. I didn't realize that Laguna Beach was a show dudes weren't supposed to watch.I don't know if i ever had any street cred whatsoever, but if i did, i think i lost every ounce of it as soon as that sentence came out of my mouth." -Andrew "I went to a place like this on a first date once. I painted a cup and he painted a saucer. We were supposed to go pick it up the next week but I never heard from him again. I still have that saucer in my cabinet. It keeps soup from getting all drippy!" -Marla, at the Pottery Shop where we were painting things 'Pssh, pink is a power color MY ASS!" -Coomesy, looking at all the guys in pink polos "My scars are my battle wounds. I have a good story to go with all of them. And if not, I make one up. See this? Shark bite" -BA A couple hours later.... "Wow, what happened to your leg?" -Zach "I got bit by a shark" -BA, as Sam and I try not to giggle "UGH! It sounds like ASS!" -Travis, the soundguy "I'm sure only you really notice it. It's your job!" -me "No, you know there's a kid out there going 'wow, it sounds like a stinky ass'" -Travis "I'd love this tour to go for another week, just to see Kevin's head explode!" -me "Did he just say he was going to smoke some boobs?" -Sam, wondering about the strange gestures that Adam was making "Put that down! Friends don't let friends buy Arbor Mist!" -Jon "It's a CLOCK! If it doesn't tell time, THROW IT OUT! They're not that expensive! Shit, I can make one with a rock and the sun!" -Jon "Can I get you anything else?" -waitress "Do you have any bibs?" -Bryan....cos I was making a mess "I hope you have an outfit to match the black eye I'm about to give you" -Bryan "I thought this movie was called <i>Kill</i> Bill. Not talk to Bill for 45 mins and tease me with a fucking sandwich!" -Bryan "It's spazzing! Look at it!" -me "It's Damian! If Damian were a screen saver that's what he would look like" -Lauren "This is horrible! Why are we eating it?" -Lauren, looking at some boxed meal dish she had cooked "Let's go downtown and feed it to the bums" -me "Lombard St? NO! The Greyhound Station. Put it in a tupperware so they can microwave it" -Lauren "We can hand it off and be like 'Just like mama used to make, right?" -me "That guy is a D-cup and is married?! How did he get a girlfriend?!" -me "Probably MySpace....match.com?" -Lauren "A fish isn't man-made. Did you know that?" -Lauren, after a flaky biscuit discussion "Uh sure. I'll just open the door with my magical powers!" -Bryan, as we all sit on the couch and watch him take out a pile of trash he didn't even create "I drooled?!? Was it awesome?" -Jeff "Actually, it was nauseating! I dry heaved through most of the song! I mean...it was awesome" -me "Do you remember humping my bathroom door while i was pooping and it opened?" -Lauren "i remember you yelling "i'm pooping!!!!" but i thought you were kidding! LOCK THE DOOR WHEN YOU POOP!!" -me "DON'T HUMP THE DOOR WHEN PEOPLE ARE POOPING!" -Lauren "What's it called? A Penis Caboose?" -Lauren "A Hurley Burley?" -Jon "A HUCKLEBUCK!!!" -Me "Kiwi lemon! That already doesn't sound good!" -me "It was either that or 'Banana Red! What is Red? Bananas aren't red!" -Jon "I see your point" -me "Be like 'I'll tell you how to get over her! Get under me!'" -me "What's up with Iceland? Its a whole continent. Full of people. And I've never heard anything about it besides Bjork. What the fuck are they up to over there? Sneakyness!" -Justin "I thought you were making a comment on my lack of stuffed animals and calling me icey" -me "I would have. But Iceland came along and baffled me. Like... The place is huge... HUGE!!!! " -Justin "All I need is a chick with a keyboard surgically implanted into her tits so that different groping manuevers were keystrokes. And I'd be set for life." -Justin "Ohmigod! I almost died!" -Jeff, falling over Mike's guitar crap on to the couch "Jeff, it's a COUCH!" -me "But look at all the potential danger!" -Jeff, pointing at the weapons of mass destruction on the shelves: beer cans, extra guitar strings, and The Club. "Wow, you guys are gonna burn the place down! How many candles ARE there?!" -me, looking around "Twenty four" -the entire band in unison "I bet he's meeting his online girlfriend tonight!" -Debra, when a random guy asked if she was 'Jessica' "Yikes, is that her?" -me "Yeah" -Andrew "I bet she's pretty when you're drunk" -me "No, she wasn't...but she was breathing and she did have a pulse" -Andrew "I was just thinking about you guys" -me, on the phone "Were you masturbating?" -James "Yes. A lot" -me "Funny, cos I'm the one here smoking a cigarette!" -James "Want a beer?" -Jon "No thanks, I'm driving you home, remember?" -LStrife "Yeah! She's our DUI!" -me, meaning DD. Oops "He's working by himself cos he can't afford to pay anyone. Unless he needs help one day, then he goes down to the 7-Eleven and gets a mexican for $120. Apparently that's the going rate for mexicans. Who knew?" -Lori "Hey Ben! Let's call this one 'Hershey Highway!'" -James, making a humping motion "OK Jerry! Uh oh...did that just get into the batch of Chunky Monkey? Better bump up the sodium content on the side panel!" -Jeff "It's just a damn shame. God must hate us" -Shaliza "He must. But at least you go to church. I just make jesus jokes" -me "Yeah, but i dont pay attention when im there. i'm usually thinking, 'hmm, what do i want for dinner? Why is it so cold in here? That lady's big hair is in the way. I wish she would move. Why did she have to sit down RIGHT in front of me?" -Shaliza "Maybe that IS even worse!" -me "Mine was just part time. Or actually, seasonal. I'm looking for full time though" -Lauren "I'm just looking for enough part times to equal full time" -me "I'm looking for full time too. Mine's just a lemonade stand" -Kyle "And we're talking and i don't know what i'm saying but it had to be good cuz she was smiling, so i reach for my beer and i knock it right on her lap. I was ready for either a punch or beer in the face...but she grabs the bottle and pours the rest right over herself! I was completely speechless" -Alex "My friend said that we should turn the window into a farm setting with the inflatable sheep since it is currently empty" -Kristina who works at a porn shop "So there really ARE inflatable sheep?!?!" -me, incredulous "Oh yeah. It retails for 22.95, I think. it would also be good for a nice boo peep costume, you can use the hole for candy!" -Kristina "I'm coocoo for cocoa pops...I mean, no...I'm" -Jeff Leafless "Coocoo for puffing cocks?" -me "If he said that to me, I'd tell that guy to take the Physical Challenge!" -James Leafless, referring to Double Dare out of the blue. YES! "Did I tell you about 007 and the Turbo Tea?" -Lauren "Hahhaha, that sounds like a title for a cartoon short or something" -me "Oh, it is a short cartoon. But it's called 'My Life'" -Lauren "I have a headache" -Ryan "Well fix it. Everyone knows the cure for a headache is to drink water and beat off vigorously" -me "Oh really? i didnt know that worked" -Ryan "Sure, it rushes blood to the brain" -me "No it doesnt. It rushes to the dick" -Ryan "Nuff said" -me "There's a very fine line between hanging out with a girl and becoming something more, and i tend to either take a big shit on that line or throw up all over it. Ain't too good with crossing it" -Andrew "So you're saying you'd rather tell him that you've got the shits and can't leave the house then walk around on a public beach with him in a speedo?" -me to lauren "My mom told me to NEVER eat potato chips becaues if i like the way the salty potatoe tastes, i might like cum." -Ryan "There's a Tool song about about furniture from Ikea. It's called Schizm"- Coomes "Shut up" -me "No really. Maynard was pissed about a desk he got from there and wrote a song about it. 'I know the pieces fit...'" - Coomes "Apparently i drive other people to get married" -me "At least your not turning them gay" -Wade "Jury's still out on that one" -me "Not to be rude, but most of my cats are wearing your necklace" -mike's friend "If you can't fix it, learn to fuck it" -Debra "Ew! I feel like I can smell him!!" -Lauren, looking at a picture of....tuna "When are you gonna come see me for a bra fitting? We can put those girls up here!" -Courtney, patting her neck "Watch out, she's the tittie police!" -Aubla "We can go see halfway broken but i think that's too much effort for tonight" -me, tired after Tfest "They're playing at a church though. I don't think they'd let us in" -Lauren "I want to talk to Mr. Cee-Lo" -girl "Oh really? That's 3 million dollars" -bouncer "Pssh. Just tell him I was the girl dancing in the field. He'll know who I am" -girl "Thanks for posing for us!" -Marisa, taking a pic with the 'Governor' "It was so nice meeting you!" -Lauren "No problem. Did you hear that the Governor is going to be here today?" -guy who is not the Governor "Did the phrase 'Yum yum weiner' actually just come out of your mouth?" -me to Mike "Wheel of Fortune! Would you like to buy a vowel? How bout an A? Guess what that stands for!" -James "You guys should work on buying the O first" -me "I fucking hate hiccups" -Lauren, hiccuping "Hiccups and boys" -me "No, I actually like boys. They just..." -Lauren "They just don't take advantage of drunk girls on Tuesdays?" -me "Can you get me down here?" -Chuck, crouching in front of a group picture "It doesn't matter" -Dan, and oh so right! "Wow, my side really hurts" -Dan "From here? What happened?" -me "Well actually...a few nights ago, a friend and I were playing 'The Floor is Lava' in my hotel room...." -Dan "And this is the school here...." -me "Are you sure it's not Fern Gully? These lillies look familiar!" -Daniel Tosh, making fun of Kathy "If only you had a butt. I'd be your butt" -Kathy, about the horse costume "I woke up with a hangover this morning, and I know for sure that I wasn't drunk last night" -Andrew "Drink more water" -me "You know what causes a hangover?" -Andrew "What?" -me "There's this enzyme in your liver called liver alcohol dehydrogenase, and it breaks alcohol down into an aldehyde. Now when you drink too much, the enzyme produces all this aldehyde in your guts, and the body doesn't really have anything to do with that except send it through the digestive system. So accumulation of aldehyde in the body causes a hangover." -Andrew "See, I thought maybe you were setting up a joke like 'drinking water.' That's what i get for messing with a chem major!" -me "I found a cross! Push option T!" -me "We can have so much fun with that" -LStrife "Can you look at my info?" -me "Nah, it says weird symbols are in there. Your info doesn't accept Christ-- that's great!" -LStrife "What's with god taking all our men?" -me "Doesn't anyone wanna play in hell with us anymore?!" -LStrife "I guess not!" -me "Damn them!" LStrife "Hahaha. Damn them to hell!" -me "Debra and I were thinking about having Lemon awards. Like here's an award for fucking up so much this week" -Kate "Yeah! Do it!! I'd win!!!!" -me "No Erika, because you wouldn't be there to accept it." -Debra "Hahahah! High five!" -me "Yeah, you should win the perfect attendance award...for perfectly not attending anything!" -Kate "C'mon tits! Let's go sell some merchandise!" -Courtney, after shimmering her cleavage "I can see that being a fantasy. They're both authority type figures..." -Kate "More like mine was taken by the authorities" -Debra "I could've played that tree all day!" -Mike, reminiscing "Guys just dont understand that when they say things, we pencil it in our mental planner. 5 mins after I'm off the phone, I'm in the shower shaving the privates. Then every time you pee and look down at your bald vag, it's just a reminder that you were forgotten and got no ass. " -Lori "So I'm either going home to a dead body or my exgirlfriend" -anonymous "But either way you'll fuck it?" "No, only if it's dead" "Your milkshake brings all the boys to the yard?" -Craig "I think it sends all the boys running for the ice cream truck" -me "Hold on...let me call Donald. 1-800-That Hair is Wack" -Jeffie "I told her to say that Donna and David had a beautiful wedding if she needed ideas. But did Donna and David even get married? I never watched 90210. It just sounded good." -me "I don't know. I got scared after the Peach Pit got robbed and stopped watching. I wish I could say 'Just Kidding...'" -LStrife "What're you doing?" -Jeff Leafless "Trying to swallow so I can talk to you" -me, eating shredded wheat "I guess you're getting ass then" -Jeff Leafless "No!!!!" -me "THANK GOD!" -Jeff Leafless "Wait....thank god how exactly?" -me "Let's not talk about this!" -Jeff Leafless "I wonder if B2K always dances their way into buildings" -Janelle "They definitely do. i've seen them in Burger King. You should see them order combo meals" -me "Man this was just for a Dr. Pepper. I can't imagine what they do for a whopper!" -Janelle "It's a large flame-broiled production" -me "What? your a not supasuburbanslangite?" -Coomes, making a Koncrete K reference "Aww, that was so lame, i love it!" -me "Like... do you know which guy in the movie was Pontius Pilate?" -Lara "Was he the one with the big exercise ball?" -me "So, supposedly he's like the Son of God or something" -Jeff, filling Bob in on the 'back story' to the Passion of the Christ "Maybe I should've mentioned that a movie about Jesus wasn't my idea of 'seeing god' for my birthday!!" -me "It's like....Drop A penis envy!" -Mike "You never use the brown crayon as a kid." -my cousin's philosophy on why you shouldn't have anal sex. "If I was you and had big boobs, I'd always laugh at the flat chested girls. Be like .....'sucks to be you!'" -Jeff "We're watching The Others. It's about crabs" -Jeffie to Jay "I wish he was my daddy. Then I could have his hair and his money!" -Jeffie about Donald Trump "Did you really buy Jeepers Creepers 2 or is this just a bad joke?" -Fritz http://www.fun.from.hell.pl/2004-01-08/superman.jpg "That's a massive wang. Is that real?" -Kate "Totally. I made out with him the other nite and i was like WTF?!?!? It started slithering around like a snake. Freaked me out" -me "Get outta here! Is that like elephantitis?" -Kate "I think this is just called Photoshop" -me