"He isnt the sharpest knife in the drawer?" -Craig
"He's a spoon" -me

"I thought it was awesome that they were like 'Fuck matching sweatshirts! We're gonna have matching eyebrows!'" -JMill

"Want anything while we're out?" -Jeffie
"Yeah, can you bring me back a 12 yr old boy?" -Jay

"Just dont go look at the new jsolar.com" -Janelle
"Thats definitely a layout based on apples" -me, looking
"Based on boredom, made with apples" -Janelle

"Managing bands is glorified babysitting" -Carlos

"I lost my mojo! I'm so mad!" -Lori

"He said 'a happy ending is a slurp slurp on the wee wee'" -Kate
"What's our happy ending?" -me
"Hmm, lemme ask. I bet ours is called 'Well at least you tried'" -Kate

"Did it go in?" -Kate CAB, looking for the M&M that might've made it down her shirt
"Man, I HATE when girls have to ask that!" -JMill

"The piece of shit has one job to do, and that's be a computer. And it can't even do that right!" -Jeff Leafless

"When I get rich and famous I'm gonna buy you Long Island. Then we're gonna blow it up" -Craig

"Funny you say TT's is under new management. Some might say I'm under TT's new management" -Lara

"My roomie went to bed and i'm so bored" -me
"Wake her up with some Positive k" -Shaliza
"Like, I gotta man!?!?!?!?!?" -me
"YES!" -Shaliza

"Should we send these to TLC?" -Christina, after peeking in the new roomie's closet. Whoa grandma!

"Damn, Chris from Poison the Well is like always on line now. Why isnt he on tour or something?" -Shaliza
"Maybe they got a laptop?" -me
"But he's a rockstar! Shouldnt he be screwing girls, or shooting something up his arm?" -Shaliza
"He's not that much of a rockstar apparently" -me

"My pants need to be washed. They smell like a big mac. And funny- I have not had McDonalds in years" -anonymous

"A foreigner came up to me today and said 'My name means bear, but i am not dangerous at all'" -Lauren

"My orthodontist said i have one of the top 10 largest mouths he's ever seen. I can fit my entire fist in there! My boyfriend likes me." -Debra, fitting her fist in her mouth

"My appologies to the janitor! this is a BAR. Don't they know that the last thing they should do is serve drunk people chocolate cake?! I made a mural on the bathroom wall" -Debra

"He was all up on me. I just kept hoping that if I kept my eyes closed long enough he'd go away!" -Diana

"Waking up to them was so funny. She gets up and Dave goes 'What's up Nicholas Cage in Raising Arizona!'" -Diana

"That's too movie-ish. It seems like it would backfire." -me
"No, if it were movie-ish, we'd have some sort of bet going on" -Lauren
"OK, what should we bet on?" -me
"It has to be something like.... i give you 20 days to seduce his brother" -Lauren
"Ok...and you have to take an ugly guy and make him prom king!" -me

"If worse came to worse, I'd jerk off in a Dixie Cup and shove..." -Jeff Leafless
"THAT'S ENOUGH!!!!! NO MORE!!!!" -me

"You're like 'Lauren... hop on 1 foot and scream 'damian is hot'... I swear it gets rid of hiccups" -L-Strife

"I dont understand how they're still married. He seems to hate her!" -me
"He just wanted to swipe her v-card" -L-Strife

"Business in the front, party in the back? Pssh, like no one's ever though of THAT before. Hellllloo? The MAFIA?" -Fritz

"YES!!!! THAT'S OUR NAME!!! RAPED BY A GORILLA!" -Jeffie
"The cover could be like...him walking past a gorilla at the zoo. And on the back, the gorilla grabs him and puts his dick in the butt" -me
"The words "dick in the butt" were never used better-and as a male i usually cringe at them, but that's just too damn funny" -Jeffie

"She's built like a truck. See my shoe? It's better looking than this girl. With shit on the bottom" -Carter
"Yeah...But don't go upstairs!" -Jeff Leafless

"Speaking of vaginas, i'm going to be good to mine and eat a yogurt" -Lori

"Trying to get more quotes will not work. You may not have quotes in sucession" -me
"I may not? What is this the 10 commandments of quotes? You shall not TRY to get on the quotes page. You shall have no other quotes page before me. Thou shall not quote on the sabbath and keep it holy. Thou shall not quote in succession. Thou shall not egg on quoters. Thou shall not use your place on the quotes page as bragging material or... rather...Thou shall not brag about being on the quotes page in order to get free money, girls or drugs..." -Baldolicious
"Dammit, that sounds like a quote to me. But it wasn't 10!" -me

"Do you get spam about dildos and breast enhancements? I'm just wondering cos i get a ton about viagra and making my penis larger" -me
"Yeah, but I requested it. You need to be on the cutting edge of new dildo and breast enhancement technology. You never know what might come up" -Baldolicious

"Maybe it was more the velour that he isn't ex. If he was exvelour...hahaha. Nuts" -Janelle

"I've had more naked time then I know what to do with. I got bored and eventually put my clothes back on" -me

"Wait wait wait. He went down on you in the FRONT seat?! I don't understand" -me
"Me either. But he did and it was great!" -anonymous
"That's insane. Go go Gadget neck!" -me

"Are you touching yourself yet?" -Todd
"No. I'm eating a graham cracker" -me
"Same difference" -Todd

"I got called Kelly Osbourne at work today" -me
"Are you serious....? Did you punch em in the jaw?" -Craig
"Black people don't seem to realize that it's not a compliment. And that i dont look like her. We white girls must all look a like to you, huh? hahah" -me
"Oh yeah, i cant tell one from another. I mean "Friends" basically has you all covered" -Craig

"No! You can't hang out with other bands! You're ours!!! Don't make me jealous." -Jeff Leafless

"THATS BECAUSE YOU HAVE BOOBS!" -Joe, as the cop walks away without giving me a ticket
"Have you ever seen my boobs? No. Can you see them now? No. My boobs stay safely tucked away where they belong at all times" -me
"Then it's your lack of penis!" -Joe

"Especially if he's late..and when he gets there it looks like a hundred guys circle jerked on you instead of dessert." -Kate

"If some dude was on my bed on all fours naked, when I walked in I'd wonder 1. Why he wasnt barking and 2. If Jillian got to him first." -Kate

"You work with a lotta lost people. Homophobes, the retarded. Now I know Victoria has some huge secrets." -Kate

"You need to update the site soon. Mike is looking more like Brandon" -James, there's an oh so wrong explanation for that one

"What'd you do for NYE without me?" -me
"I fucked. Silly. Hard" -Todd
"Uh...what?" -me
"You know, fucked. I placed my thunderod into another womens ectasy hole." -Todd
"You know, saying 'another' woman implies you're a woman too" -me

"Doesn't that shirt make Jeff look like Henri?" -Kristen1
"Who's Henri? .....the CAT?!" -me, hysterical

"She should be praying for puberty to come back...an alcoholic with a mullet" -Lori

"Let's talk more about when we were ugly!" -Lori

"Oh he ate me out! Me and my pockets!" -a friend complaining about her bad date

"Damn-- he's asking you out before he even introduces himself?! Steps to asking a girl out on a date: 1) introduce yourself 2) ask 3) go cry b/c she rejected you b/c you're a fucking security guard" -Lauren

"Do you ever find yourself looking at a sign and going 'hey, that's Gorilla Milkshake!'?" -me
"All the time. I saw a truck with 8 Track on it and i got too excited" -Janelle
"Good to know i'm not alone!" -me

"What's bling-bling? Is it sexual?" -my mother

"Its always 4 am and you wake up naked wondering where you are" -Baldolicious

"That is an occasion to buy your own colander! Sometimes you can borrow from others, but if you're going to shit in it, that's when you buy your own!" -Brooke

"Stupid computer. It rebooted on its own ... so i teabagged it" -Brett

"Did you see the picture of herself on the desk? Who does that? Do you think she stares at herself while she eats our cheese? Oh you're so gorgeous...nta nta nta nta" -Brooke, making mouse noises

"I got these 3D glasses that turn Christmas lights into Stars of David and dancing Shaloms" -Julie
"Dancing Shaloms?! Shalom is a word, not a person!" -Jason H

"I like small things...but only when it comes to jewelry!" -Kristen2, reassuring everyone

"I don't pay attention" -Jeff
"Wait...you pay to touch things?" -James
"Only if all else fails" -me
"Annnnnd.....dolphins" -James

"You could be like "It's windy out" and she'd be like "Yeah...that reminds me of the time he and i had butt sex on the table in his basement" -Lori

"In every movie, Jesus is really hot. He must've been really hot in real life. I've become obsessed. I crave the body of Christ. I want to go to church just to have him in my mouth" -anonymous

"Looks like someone took awkward bird dance lessons!" -Brooke

"Oh shit! This bitch just got a snowball down my neck through my scarf, my jacket, and my hoodie. It breached every security possible!" -Arwem

"I don't think Fritz would be in our target market" -Jeff Leafless
"Don't guys want something to warm their balls?" -me
"That's what their hands are for" -Kristen2

"I don't want a gun and I don't want to work on a boat"-Jeffie

"Finding the right guy is like playing Where's Waldo with the entire world. Once you get to China though, you could find him" -Kate

"I can't believe you did that!" -Brooke
"Threw a gum wrapper at you?" -me
"That wasn't a gum wrapper!" -Brooke, turning around to see the gum wrapper. "...it was a ninja missle!"

"The weiner is in my I!!!" -me, reading the dirty Scrabble game my roomie and friend played

"My life is already a reality show. I don't need cameras" -Julie
"Your life is a stupid human trick" - L-Strife

"I dont know why, but every time I hear the term 'pinch a loaf', I think of Kevin Bacon" -Brooke

"Ain't nothin wrong with a little--" -Slug
"MORNING MASTURBATION!!" -crowd
"Well, well Baltimore. I didn't know you were such avocators of masturbation! I see how it goes around here" -Slug

"Beer?! I thought you were Mormon!" -Josh to Diana

"What a stupid cunt! Wait, sorry. That's offensive. What a stupid bitch" -Jeff Leafless, to the cat

"Fred is so cute" -Carlos, talking about Fred Durst's radio outburst....
"Cute in a tiny penis way. Cute, but you feel bad for him. And just like a tiny penis, you're nice to his face, but have to laugh at him later with friends." -me
"Well put!" -Carlos
"Nah, i'm kidding. size doesn't count!" -me

"I have to observe a special ed class for 30 hours next semester" -Kristen
"Why don't you just come here?" -Jeff Leafless

"As penis nose says 'its alright to feel good, its alright for nothing to be wrong'" -Merc

"Frolicking?" -Todd
"It sounds innocent!" -me
"There'll be licking, not so much fro" -Todd

"What was that code phrase you used for phone sex?" -Brooke
"What code word? What're you talking about?" -me
"There's some phrase you kept saying" -Brooke
"A slug is a mollusk?!" -me
"Yeah! That's it! It's not phone sex?" -Brooke
"HOW DO YOU GET PHONE SEX OUT OF THAT?!" -me

"If you think about the word doody, like really think about it, you dont explode in a giggle fit?" -Brett
"Dammit, it did make me laugh!" -me, laughing

"Enough of these stories! Now someone go get me my horse!" -Jeff Leafless

"Wow, red condoms?" -old lady at Candace Bushnell's lecture
"They're actually hot pink" -Mariah
"Oh, so you can put them in the hot pink! ...Do they taste?" -old lady, smelling the condom, as Mariah and I try to keep straight faces

"I think i actually danced too. I was smashed and got caught making out on the dance floor by the bride" -Todd
"Hopefully not with the groom?" -me
"Not sure. Could have been groom's mom" -Todd

"I lifted those blue placemats we eat on everyday. There's a world of stuff under there! It's like an under ground city! But dont worry, I destroyed it" -Brooke

"My pinky toe is smaller than the resssst. I flushed it and now it's all gonnnnnne" -Brooke, finding things to whine about.

"Toolbox as in he's a big tool?" -Brooke
"Yes! What did you think?" -me
"I dunno. You could've meant handy or something" -Brooke
"No, meaning douchebag" -me
"Meaning what? He smells like vinegar?" -Jeff

"He's just a big sap hiding behind curse words and big pants" -anonymous
"Yeah, but his pants got smaller as his nuts shrank" -anonymous

"Maybe we should start a band called Boobastank. I'll bring the boobs, you bring the stank" -Brooke

"She has the grossest belly button in that picture. It looks like she has 2 cooters, one just snuck up and ate her belly button" -Janelle

"I don't care if it was Jesus fucking Christ! He could be all like 'I turned all the water to wine, look at me' and they'd be like 'Well we want some fucking water dude. What'd you do that for? Turn it back!'" -James

"NO! Don't pitch a tent in front of your kids!!!!!" -Brooke, watching a commercial about pitching a tent with your kids

"At one point I looked down and you looked really mad at me. Did I spit on you?" -Jeff Leafless
"I was trying to get a good picture of Kelly and you wouldn't move your ass!" -me
"I'm sorry. I do have a ghetto booty" -Jeff Leafless

"C'mon, James! Make it leafless!" -Fritz, in a snotty photographer voice, as James jumps into a bush

"George! I wouldn't want to run into you in a dark alley" -Jeff Leafless
"There are plenty of alleys around here" -George
"Well I don't want to see you in ANY of them!" -Jeff Leafless

"I think the only famous person i met was some of the guys from Laughing Colors because they shop at my store. I offered them some yogurt and told them what aisle the TP was in"
"Haha, they're not famous" -me
"Well at least i lead them to the Charmin" -Jeff

"I don't have TIME to feel evil! I have school work to do!" -Brooke

"You can wash it, but if it's jizz, it won't come out. The president's dress?" -Jeff, referring to what looks like a giant jizz stain on our couch
"It wasn't the president's dress! That'd be a whoooole other topic" -Brooke

"When i first heard I had cinemax on demand, i never left the apartment. There were always naked people to watch!" -anonymous

"I heard running behind me and I figured it was an asian...cos you know, those asians are always running to class" -Lori

"She just stuck that bottle somewhere...well, that's the only way that shampoo's gonna get ME to scream!" -Brooke, watching an Herbal Essence commercial

"What if your husband wanted to buy you a truck?" -teacher, trying to make a point
"I wouldn't marry a man who would want to buy me a truck!" -girl in class
"OK then, what if he wanted to buy himself a Mazda Miata?" -teacher
"I'd tell him to go buy himself a boyfriend because he's obviously not straight!" -girl

"And now I get to leave town and try to forget that yet another guy tried to put my finger in his ass" -anonymous

"I thought if I did that, I'd seem gay" -Marty, doing the Dr. Evil pinky thing
"Honey, that's not gay. That's evil" -Brooke

"I'm not worried about hooking up with you. I'm gonna go jerk off on the window" -a very drunk Crispy

"Did he ask if you've seen his car? is he that wasted?" -me
"He is...but he asked if i've seen his cock. Not car" -Mandy

"This girl had pictures of a Barbie doll stuck up her....well, I'm not really sure. With girls there's only that 1 inch difference..." -Max
"Yeah, but you KNOW where she stuck it" -me

"If Black Eyed Peas were like 'yo, you wanna be in our group?' I'd tell them to shut the fuck up and eat on my dickup" -Ryan

"I don't feel comfortable peeing in front of a dead chinchilla" -Jeff

"Valtrex! He should be riding a bike on a sunny day in the mountains or going rafting because that's what those people in the commericials do. 'Cause if you got herpes you can be cool like that. The rest of us can't do those kinds of things...dammit i need herpes!!!" -Jeff
"Oh baby, that's a quote" -me
"You can put it up on the quotes page. I'm secure with my STDs. They keep me company in times like these. But let's just hope no good looking girls see that. 'Cause then i won't be getting touched for loooonggg time!" -Jeff

"Welcome to the club" -Dave
"I bet our club could be huge" -me
"Here's your complimentary basket of batteries and ky jelly" -Dave

"If you guys didn't already know. I've had a girlfriend for awhile now" -Damian
"She doesn't count if you blow her up" -Kathy

"You guys haven't gotten your food yet?" -Tess
"No, we're sitting at the black table" -Carlos, as everyone in the restaurant's mouths drop open

"Girls only have one fun spot, and nobody told the boys where it is" -Brooke

"Yeah, I'm gonna steal from you. I'll tell you right now, I'm going for the tampons!" -Jeff

"He was definitely not blessed by the large penis gods. They passed right over his little pepe!" -anonymous

"If you buy a $450 cell phone, it better make love to you" -Prof. Grazer

"The icing is blue and so are you, loser!" -Fritz, eating the loser's cupcake

"He was all like 'poor thing'. Poor thing? I would've poked her with a stick and kept walking!" -Brent

"Can't see the forest for the trees?! You might as well just give me dome, because i don't know what it means!" -Brooke

"I can't believe you don't trip over yourself and go spinning off into the atmosphere!" -Brent

"Something doesn't taste right....it might be the backwash" -Jeff